Saturday, July 10, 2010 @ 7:21 PM
5.20 am; 10 july; (early saturday)Its been a long time since i held i pen..
Its 5.20 A-time, i woke up in desperate search for you, only to realise you might just not appear in my life anymore.
This is a real diary entry btw.. guessed your ear is much perked.
Sorry dear sketchbook, i could find no other written material.
And i guess i must really really really really love you alot, or else, its obsession, maybe im edwaard and youre bella- he's more obsessed.
I'm sitting here in the cold sun room writing once all over again about love and my love. Its stupid, for a stupid girl to like you so much, this nobody you call yourself? No, youre my whole brain now. The cold doesnt hurt me.
Where are you? I hope i've never left your mind too, but my hopes are too high.. i know youre moving on, and so am i, but now, momentarily, im stuck at our past.
-5.50am (my eyes is starting to hurt)
Comparing, maybe you were the best, as in, you dont ever give me false hopes, apart from me wanting to m.. While you on the other hand, really got me expecting, which maybe.. also isnt a good thing. So.. you look at objects in another angle now.
I sat up then. closed my eyes and tried so hard picturing you, a scene that would haardly register in my brain anymore.
I was searching, the history, the past, a month ago, maybe 2? trying to picture your face, your smile, the angle, was it still the same?
This feels like a dream, but even as i know i will wake up, this sketchbook is real evidence-truth.
You, your name, your words, your eyes- you. I bet you'll never expect me to think of you so much right now, after all that happened. I know you too much, just too much.
-
I'm gonna save paper and write on the next side.
never felt so energetic when i wrote my essays. first page of words came out in a splat.
Friday, dont talk about it, it was horrible, olivia baby 's birthday, i was feeling hot and cold in that body of mine.I didnt wanna say it and i could eat no more than a bowl, barely leaving space for the cake afterwards. I guessed no one saw anyway, no one asked.
James, you make one really hate you to the bone, and then, that day, when you apologised for teasing me too much, when you knew your limits, i was prepared to let it go, and i found no need to, guys DO break what they just said. admit it you ass.
Wow, my handwriting is so cursive, Next time, when im reading this again, Im so gonna laugh.
I hope there'll be a time for us again.
This time, no more false hopes, no more unaccomplished things.
Im not gonna hide now, knowing you no longer will read this. my hands are starting to freeze.
your words sting on me like a tattoo, it'll never be erased. everything that once had a link to whatever we talked about before surfaced.
The days of feeling tired and nauseous just suck so much.. i hate being sick.
Going back, since im saying everything, there'll be no lies.
I miss you so much, everything.
If any of you ask me why im so.. hmm.. uneager to move on, i'll just say thats how i am, hopeless romantic harhar!
Thats how i am, forgetting everything sad and frustrating you once made me, only cherishing the good times, just like now, letting it rewind in a small play.
-
Insomnia, im glad i dont have it, i have no idea whats this, waking up EARLY in the morning.
Do i have the time to continue writing?
My dad's not snoring anymore.. whats up?
Well, maybe sometimes, writing is much much easier.
(Clarissa, keep writing in blue!)
baby, i love you, it feels funny calling you that again.
If youre forgetting me now, i cant say-guarantee, i'll be okay and living well.
whats wrong with me, i used to think waking up at this hour is just plain crazy.
So i guess im nuts now, doing the exact same thing i once labelled- mad. All this writing is making me forget where i am and somehow im able to psych myself back where i was- singapore.
I miss you guys so much. i miss calling however, pressing numbers knowing the other person on the line would brighten up my day.. talking endlessly then have nothing no say, get breathless, or simply being distracted by the TV(My problem when i talk to Isabelle brainah ileum.)
This is the kind of feeling where it makes me wanna call san and talk but definitely knowing she'll be lets see.. distracted by a living or non living thing.
(ps, but i love it when clar calls, because it time to hog the phone for hours baby! (L))
...(dots)... and thats when i go online to see you there.
Tell you nonsensical things and you totally listen and give ridiculous but funny comments that cracks me up so much, then crap with me as if we're kids lost in time, why do i miss that so much? i miss that feelings.
I'm a girl with a thousand feelings i know. haha
Miss you san.
As im writing, tears may come, but'll dry up one day.
i guess thats what happened, it dried up, thats the end...?
{lots of cancelling}
Its to corny, i cant write it.
-
TOM NEXT LOVES CAT.
that was one unforgettable night. but i'll stop thinking about it, i hope.
I shall try going back to sleep and forget i even wrote this here( reading this stirs my feelings)
And.... maybe you might have someone better by you right now..
-I HATE it when you make me feel like shit within seconds.
[[some things here are canged from original text]]
[[[because writer refuses to disclose]]]
The sky has turn brighter, light is breaking into the gloomy blue black.
Im off to bed, padlocking you in my heart.
For now.. tata(L)
6.30am.