Tuesday, April 20, 2010 @ 12:22 AM
Its 10.30, supposedly in bed, but heck. I felt that i have to blog. i have to. its an urge. i need to let out my feelings or not im about to go insane, so here i am, back online.So many things happened these few weeks, tests, graded assignments, even unnecessary stress given by my peers. Trying to be optimistic, but it seems like its not working, must be one of my off-days today, i havent really put much effort into studying. i didnt have the mood. i was low and moody. This week, however, seemed much busier than last week. Ironically. Ting xie and spelling is driving me up the wall, with me having to stay back everyday, math is a monster and everything is just not going too well for me. i wish i could cry. the bitter, probably would be gone. maybe a pinch but i know i cant. its too hard. too hard to even shed a tear. everything is a challenge.
Who knows, if im suffering so much here, how am i to survive when im there? how am i to tell myself it would be okay and smile as if nothing had affected me in the first place? How am i to brave myself for more disappointments and digress? Everyone is looking me up as an epitome, but honestly, im most not suitable to be one, i know it.
My life is terrible, much to an extent i have to fake a smile during times. Happy-go-lucky, cheerful, full of smiles, thats all bullcrap for you have not seen my true self.
Why have ---- been such troubles to me? one after another never ending shit i must endure. I seriosuly do not have the capacity to maintain my image and god knows one day i might just scream and run out of class. i want to be free. to be free of troubles, to live life the fullest, is there even such a person alive? And now whats happening? we're stuck in a mixture of love and like we cannot diffrentiate, hold on, isnt this all only about you? What you have been doing from the start was to keep dragging me into your problems, do i honestly look like im so free to handle your troubles when i cant even solve mine? Why is it that somehow you are the one manipulating and controlling my actions, is this what friends are for? There always has to be someone there to guide, why cant there be equality? why cant friends have the same status in each one of our hearts? Why cant you see? you see.
Am i your doll? your puppet? or your pet? Am i what you think i am, someone easily satiable, youre constantly only thinking about yourself, so where have i, this good friend of yours come into the picture? Everything was you, you and you. When have you all ever spared a thought for me? For what you think might not hurt me has actually slashed me right within.
jae- sometimes youre so unreadable, and youre unwilling to tell me how you feel, although i know it, its too intimidating for me to ask you. I know i love you i know you love me. I know its never ever going to be. And different people keeps drifting us apart, repelling us away from each other. it doesnt give me a sense of security. I know im not perfect either, i dont ask for more. But sometimes, i wish you knew how i was feeling for you to at least do abit to make it seem better. You ask me whats wrong? I wish i could say that it was you. but thinking about how you would be feeling, i darent.